A Thankful List

Thinking about Thanksgiving this year makes my chest contract and my throat close up. I'm not in a very good place right now with the loss of my Gus. I've come into a new emotion I never thought I would encounter in my grief process.

Anger.

I'm angry and it's not an appropriate feeling for any holiday festivities.

This new emotion impedes my ability to feel thankful. I'm angry about being angry. But I know that I am thankful for many things, so I will make my list for my own sake:

1. I'm thankful for Robby. He balances me out and supports me through my ups and downs. He is my everything.

2. I'm thankful for my living child, Gracie. Her joy inspires me each day and I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

3. I am thankful for my angel baby, Gus. I can't remember exactly why right now, but I know that I am.

4. I'm thankful for our basic necessities: a home, food, love, and the gospel. I would not survive without these.

That is all I my heart can manage for now. I'm going to do my best to make a list at the end of each day this week, whether it's written here or not.

Please go hug your babies and tell them you love them.

Glendale

It's 8am and Gracie and I are sitting in the parking lot of Next Coffee Company using the Wi-Fi, across the street from Midwestern University where my brother in law, Brady (of Brady and Mary), is at an interview for the day.

We had the pleasure of driving him here, where we will hang out until he's done at 2:30 then zip him to the airport to get him back to his wife by tonight. I've quizzed him and questioned him and I feel confident that it will go swimmingly.

So if you need us, we will be checking out the sites in Glendale, AZ today.

Baby Doll

The Gracie Attitude

Characterized best by this picture.

Concentrated joy emitted from her being.

This little girl loves life.

Posin

Dancin

Recovery Mode

I'm grateful for food and shelter. And also, that the past week is over. I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out, left to find my way as a new, distorted being. A sweet offering was given to me by my wonderful husband. These monogrammed handkerchiefs of all my initials: MMM. Mel Marie Mck. I needed these this week and they have been and will continue to be my good friends for years and years; I can foresee this.

With the holidays coming up, I feel like I'm losing time. It slips in and out of my hands without my knowledge or understanding of where it went; forget about what was actually done with that time. I'm trying to find what brings me peace in the hours when chaos reigns over my thoughts and actions. Until then, I think I will be taking a break from blogging. For the grandparents, pictures will still be posted.

Robby is So Funny

The things that come out of his mouth are a cornucopia of hilarity.

I'm in the process of collecting a list.

Not to mention his expertise in foreign accents.

He's a genius.

The Best Potty Present Yet

It's a Sleeping Beauty book and . . .

. . . a Sleeping Beauty pillow!

She's been reading it in her room for about 45 minutes now.

Thanks Gramma Pam and Granpa Doctor!

Baby Boys

A cousin, sweet Angie, lost her baby boy, Lyle Jack Ward, last Saturday. He was just a little guy at 9 oz but I'm told he has a huge spirit.

I'm a firm believer in the faith moving mountains. My faith has moved the mountain of grief I feel every day. It doesn't take it away, it's just lifted for a little while. When it becomes necessary for me to grieve again, the mountain comes back and with faithful exertion, it is moved again; for a little while.

I've gained strength and courage through personal tragedy. I am taking my Aunt Mary's advice and filling my lamp with oil. The oil helps sustain me when the light goes out unexpectedly.

The initial pain of losing a child is just what you think it would be. Unbearable. Unbelievable. Unimaginable. Unacceptable. Then, when that has all been addressed, dealing with the situation is still necessary. Faith and prayer won't remove the pain or despair.

But Hope will. Hope to see that baby again. Hope for strength. Hope for support and love. Hope for survival and guidance.

". . .If I lose hope, then I lose Faith. If I lose Faith, then I lose eternal happiness. I do not ever want to lose hope. It is a most personal and precious possession that I must never give up, and never allow anyone or anything to take from me. . ." -Richard Holmes Gus Funeral Talk

It has never been said better.